I wake up every morning with one goal above all others: to live the day with a sense of calm. I prize feeling calm over feeling happy. Calm is my happiness.
Feeling calm actually requires a lot of effort. I have to be conscious of my breath and completely in tune with my body. I have to avoid high-strung people and stressful situations. I have to avoid stimulants and make sure that I get a full night’s sleep. I have to make plans in advance yet remain flexible.
However, remaining calm sometimes keeps me from achieving another state of mind: the creative state. Creativity is born from chaos and uncertainty. It requires a certain restless energy and immediacy that I rarely have when I am calm.
Recently, Rick Gekoski wrote an article that made me reflect even further on how calm conflicts with creativity. In his piece “Writing is bad for you“, he admits:
When I am writing I wander in a fug all day, wake in the middle of the night – waking my wife Belinda as well – and stagger downstairs to record a thought or two. Leave the bed with my mind whirling with gorgeously formed sentences…By the time I get to the keyboard their perfection (as it seems to me in my drowsy creative mode) has dissipated, and though I can catch something of what seemed a sensational formulation it is already, in that Platonic way, only an imitation of the ideal. I fiddle about, rewrite and reconsider, and go back to bed an hour later thoroughly stimulated, dissatisfied, and unable to sleep. I read for another hour. The next day I complain that I am tired, and show all the signs of it: irritability, abstraction, and a tendency to fall asleep on a sofa at any time, including when I am being spoken to.
What Gekoski describes is the opposite of calm. In fact, I feel anxious just reading it. I can’t stand to be frustrated and sleep deprived. I don’t think any idea or sentence is worth the loss of sleep.
How, then – when I only have five free hours every day – am I supposed to be creative without losing sleep? I typically occupy those five hours with things that are important to me: exercising, cooking, reading, connecting with my friends and family, cleaning, and resting a brain that has been active all day. Where can I find the space for creativity?
I have come to a sad realization: the creative life requires complete devotion. I am able to do my best writing only after a period of isolation and idleness – for example, on a day off from work with nothing better to do. Thoughts swarm my mind because I have nothing better to think. It is beautiful and restorative, if not selfish.
With only so many hours to do what’s most important every day, calm is perhaps more important than creative. At the same time, I really fear nothing more than the loss of my ability to be creative. I want to be able to astound myself. But most days, it’s enough for me to know that I survived the day.
(Photo by lululemon athletica)
You will never lose you ability to be creative. I understand the fear, but from all that I have known of you so far, I am confident in my statement.
I would caution you to not conflate your creativity with your writing. I know, you being a writer that will not seem a very helpful statement. But hear me out, because while I realize you have few hours in the day to actually sit down and write, you are one of the most creative people I have ever met.
You are also one of the busiest. But look what you do…you always have an eye open for a good twitpic or instantgram or whatever they are called now. Your Yelp reviews are generally those of someone who doesn’t just eat, but experiences food. The tiny observations you make on Twitter about the behavior and presence of those around you throughout the day. You elevate being awake into an art form. For many people it’s an effort. I imagine much of that is made more possible by your commitment to calmness.
I can’t speak as to how you can rearrange your schedule to WRITE more. That is in the wiring of your daily life, and only you can rewire. (Personally though I think you can probably find time if you sat down and did the math.) But even if you could not, don’t be afraid of dulling your creativity. Actually writing can wait…but if you don’t live creatively it still won’t matter.
You live creatively. It is what you are. It’s not going anywhere no matter how much you sleep.
I think we all struggle with this: peaceful life vs interesting life. Undoubtedly interesting lives produce good prose fast, but peaceful lives might just produce astonishing and more thoughtful prose a little slower.
You need to patient with your writing, your characters, the world you are unraveling from thin air. That comes from calm.
Oh my goodness. A friend posted this & I am so happy I read it. I live with this internal struggle daily! My mind is always torn as to “who”, “what” & “how” I should be & how it should look in my life. How it manifests itself. Do I leave my walls tan with white trim & choose a simple, calm, elegant atmosphere for my home….or do I go with my every inspiration & slosh purple paint on my walls & beaded velvet curtains on the windows? I crave rich color, colored lights & a general tacky, crazy, Bohemian abode in which to express myself but then am over come by the chaos & cannot function creatively in other areas such as writing. *sigh* This results in going back to plain & simple. I understand your struggle. As a highly sensitive introverted person I find myself overcome by this world, so the attempts at peace & calm serenity usually win out. I “feed” my crazy artistic cravings with visually stunning movies. It is nice to “meet” a kindred spirit.
I hope you find your way. Thanks for posting.
I have a white board on my wall at the foot of my bed for this reason. I do my best thinking as I’m about to fall asleep, it seems. Instead of turning on my laptop and letting the words slip from my mind by the time I get there, I jot them down on the white board and rest easy. Note: This can also be done with a chalk board…I’m not biased.