How Steve Jobs Is Like Men I Refuse To Date

After yesterday’s post about the Apple iPad hype, I started to have a creepy feeling that Steve Jobs reminds me of someone I know.

I spent the whole day thinking about it – who could it be? Why does this marketing ploy feel eerily familiar? And then, I figured it out.

Steve Jobs reminds me of every young man that charmed me when I was about 17 years old, impressionable, and naive. He is also every man that I refuse to date now, in my old age. Keep reading for a good laugh.

1. Former crushes: At 17, I used to be easily dazzled by young men who would talk about themselves favorably and use big, impressive words like “neurosis” and “denouement”. I was charmed by men who read literature and philosophy, men who had big ideas about the world, men (boys, really) who talked about existential crises and about ivy league schools they hoped to attend.

When I got older, I realized that their talk was just that – talk. Most of these young men were more confused about their lives than I was about mine.

Steve Jobs: Steve Jobs and his company’s hype about the new Apple iPad created quite the buzz in the media industry and among tech professionals/fans of Mac products. Yesterday, Twitter was overloaded with tweets about the product announcement. Granted, Apple has some street cred, like the boy who earned a top score on his PSATs – you know he’s gotta be smart, right? So you trust what he says.

With Apple rolling out awesome, revolutionary products like the iPod and MacBook, I gotta believe they’re smart and creative. But seriously, I no longer trust anyone or anything that spends hours talking about how great they are. The greatness should show through, in all cases.

2. Former crushes: When I was 17, most guys my age were afraid of words like “period” and “tampon”. They would wield the acronym PMS like a weapon – “She totally must be PMSing.” They would apply the term to everything, and I guess I kind of accepted it because I accepted that young men were not as mature as young women.

I mean, I would never expect a guy my age to say, “Oh my god, I love periods!” But if I’m watching television with a guy I’m dating, and a tampon commercial comes on, he better not get all squirmy.

Steve Jobs: Steve Jobs and his marketing team just don’t get it. Did they not perform market research before deciding on the name iPad? Are they just that stupid? Did they mean to arouse the sillies? Clearly, Jobs is not in touch with his female audience.

On Twitter, iPad/period jokes became trending topics. I don’t think I will ever for the rest of my life be able to look at an iPad and think about how unfortunate the name is. Jobs, you’ve just opened up the stage for period jokes all around.

3. Former crushes: When I was young and naive, I thought normal young men didn’t watch porn – I thought only creepers whacked off to dirty movies. Now, I would never date a guy who says he doesn’t watch porn. What kind of guy is he? We all know that men watch porn, and that is a fact of life. I would be disturbed/confused if someone I was dating told me he never watches/has never watched porn.

Steve Jobs: As one of my male friends pointed out to me, Jobs clearly did not consider that some people might like to watch porn on the iPad. Says Anonymous, “Did you test market the iPad with porn viewers, and by that I mean all men over 18? I was trying to figure out how you watch porn on it. You have to hold the iPad, which is inconvenient”. The I’m-wholesome game that Steve Jobs is playing just seems very fishy. You know that someone, somewhere is going to try to watch porn on an iPad, especially since the basic model will have WiFi.

4. Former crushes: I used to be really into guys who were self-centered, “cocky” even. I would have to fight for their attention, and I liked it. Dating them was only fun that way, as I would live for any moment when they gave me the time of day. Now, I won’t date anyone who is supremely selfish or a raging narcissist. I definitely appreciate when someone knows how to take time for himself, but if he can’t give anything to the relationship, forget it.

Steve Jobs: He’s obsessed with the word “I” – I everything! Apple had success with the iPod, now all their products include the I prefix. I, I, I. With the cheapest model starting at $499, the iPad does seem like a really extravagant thing to buy. I don’t want to judge what people do with their money, but I don’t think I would want to date someone who spends $500 on a glorified laptop or oversized iPhone.

(Photo by pescatello)

Tagged as: computer, new media, relationships, technology