On Sunday evening, I enjoyed dinner with my good friend Meredith at one of our favorite restaurants in Manhattan. We spent a few hours catching up and sharing delicious dishes.
We had to keep reminding ourselves to stop laughing and talking so loudly because our voices echoed in the mostly empty restaurant. As we were settling the check, a man approached our table.
“Excuse me, ladies, I don’t mean to interrupt,” he said.
My eyes darted in all directions. Where did he come from? I’m pretty good at keeping tabs on everyone in a restaurant. I’m a people watcher, and I notice everything. But I hadn’t noticed him.
“Oh, did you hear our conversation? Sorry, we’re practically shouting,” said Meredith.
She was expecting him to comment on some aspect of our boisterous conversation. I was annoyed by his pay-attention-to-me attitude. His approach was neither genuine nor humble. In fact, he had meant to interrupt us. He wasn’t sorry.
“No, actually. I just wanted to tell you that you are absolutely gorgeous,” he said, to Meredith, turning his body away from me.
Meredith took the comment in stride, without even skipping a beat. She is a beautiful woman who constantly attracts attention. That simple fact had never bothered me before.
Meredith is dark and mysterious; she carries herself with great pride and ease. I, on the other hand, am a fierce, light-eyed redhead with a biting wit. We attract different types of men.
“Thank you, but my friend here is gorgeous too, isn’t she?” Said Meredith.
“Yes, you’re attractive,” he said, to me. “But you, you are gorgeous. There’s just something about you.”
That’s about the moment I started to feel uncomfortable. Complimenting a stranger is one thing. But believing that you have the license to stand there and judge us by our looks and make your opinions known are something else entirely.
How can a man, who is alone, approach two women with the intention of showering all his attention on just one of them? I thought of a tool that Pick-Up Artists use: the “neg”, “a backhanded compliment intended to snub” (Wikipedia).
Suddenly, I wasn’t even there. I didn’t exist.
I picked up my phone and started playing with the keypad. If he was going to ignore my existence, then I was going to pretend this wasn’t happening. I could tell Meredith was trying to find a way to end the conversation.
“Are you from the area?” He asked.
“Yes,” she said, without elaborating.
“I just moved here from Salt Lake City. I was training for the Olympics,” he said. “Have you ever seen the movie Cool Runnings?”
I rolled my eyes. Finally, I looked up from my phone to say something sarcastic but noticed his cocked plaid newsboy cap and fitted vest. Was this guy for real?
After a few more minutes, he left without asking Meredith for her phone number. Did this world-class bobsledder just want an opportunity to talk about himself and flex his confidence muscles? Was he genuinely moved by my friend’s beauty?
I understand that we often judge each other by superficial standards, simply because what we see is what moves us first. That much is fair.
But how do you expect to win that woman who bowls you over with her beauty when you completely dismiss the existence of her dinner companion? A woman who’s worth admiring would not let a real man get away with such a social crime. And a real man should know that.
(Photo by Frenkieb)
That is the modus operandi according to the Maxim and the Fortune 500 types who write articles on such. “Be bold. Go directly for what you want. Women, on a subconscious level want to be with a man who takes control of a situation, and shows neither fear, nor concern with standard social norms. This excites her in ways she doesn’t understand, but it’s about biology. Like it or not, guys, a woman is built to respond to bold, often arrogant men. Her body sees them as the ones most likely to protect her from intruders, and to father strong children.There is a reason polite guys finish last; they’re wimps. Don’t be a wimp.”
And all that horseshit. Glad to hear your friend would have none of it. I guess her “biology” hasn’t been studied yet.
Sounds like you’ve read some of “The Game”? You may have actually inspired me to write a blog about the very few truthful bits that book contained when it wasn’t a pompous, arrogant ladies’ man bragging about his sexual conquests.
There’s nothing wrong, for instance, with helping guys develop confidence where they didn’t have it before. Especially when we know women are attracted to confidence.
The thing is though, the neg isn’t what this guy was using. He was just being an inconsiderate prick. A neg is when you say something jokingly or sarcastic to a girl…essentially it’s just teasing in attempt to lighten the mood or break the ice to make it easier to talk. Or it’s when a form of “negative” attention is used to pique the girl’s interest.
For instance, telling a drop-dead gorgeous supermodel that she has “man hands” when she’s used to having guys fall all over her. It’s all very childish and stupid.
So really, the only way it was a “neg” is if he was actually attempting to get with YOU, by lavishing compliments on your friend in attempt to make you jealous.
Pick-up artists are so freaking lame. But it’s easy to see why they put up the facade. It makes dealing with rejection easier.
I think that guy was a plant. or on a dare. or something…
This happened to me at a bar once… we were with a group of guys who were clearly into my friend. So they essentially boxed me out of the convo circle. It was really awkward, and I kept thinking, who would want to date a guy who acts like that??
I’ll bet anything that he and Meredith hooked up later that night. You may have not appreciated being ignored but I’m sure she lapped it up. That guy is some kind of genius/