I’ve often heard that I won’t become the person I’m “supposed” to be until I’m 30. I’m not really sure what that means – does it mean that from age 30 forward I won’t change very much? Does it mean that I will finally then have a complete understanding of myself?
Furthermore, how could anyone put so much emphasis on age, which is just a number we use as a point of reference? Perhaps, we only become most ourselves for a moment, which just happens to take place in the span of 365 days.
Once upon a time, in an undergraduate creative writing class, I read a poem – “Something About the Trees” – that echoes my questions. Poet Linda Pastan writes, “I remember what my father told me: /There is an age when you are most yourself.”
Will I know the age that I am most myself, or will I only acknowledge it years later, looking back on all the years that came before it?
Lately, I’m not sure if I am now most myself or just struggling to maintain the person that I have spent 26 years becoming. I don’t have time to be bored or trapped in ridiculously long periods of solitude. With even less time for self-discovery, I’m just trying to pursue everything that I have up to this point enjoyed and loved.
I believe that I know myself very well, even though I’m open to surprises. I know what’s important to me, and I can see the road before me as far as the horizon. However, life is constantly derailing me. The danger of getting too caught up in work or too caught up in play or too ANYTHING is constantly looming, threatening my ability to remember who I am.
I am sometimes afraid of putting something aside because I don’t want to give up, even if it’s in my best interest. I am sometimes afraid of trying new things because I don’t want the new things to prevent me from doing what I already know I like to do.
Will I ever completely stop discovering who I am? I am so overwhelmed by holding on to what I already know that I sometimes don’t know how to find space for anything else.
(Photo by moonlightbulb)
This is my Second-Favorite Comma ‘N Sentence post.
That doesn’t mean, however, that I have an answer for what you wonder here. I don’t think anybody who is honest with themself can claim that they don’t struggle with these fears and questions. I know plenty of people who say, “Well, I know myself now, and everything is set,” but I don’t think they really do. What is it they say? “Follow those that seek the truth. Avoid those who claim to have found it.”
Not to be fatalistic about all of this. I do believe we can and must get to know ourselves better at some point. But it is never a complete process. Maybe.
Or, even more important than knowing yourself may be the idea of accepting yourself. (”yourself” being in general, not just you personally. Everyone.)
i believe that you grow awareness every day, and that is the beauty of growing older.
The level of consciousness that helps you see with joy